A year ago today, I almost died.
I spent the better part of today thinking of what I wanted to write here, but nothing seems right.
I feel like I need more time to reflect on the past year and contemplate my future before I decide to share how I'm feeling.
Actually, I know this: I'm glad I failed at killing myself, but I don't know why I still feel as depressed as I did on that night.
I feel like I don't even recognize myself sometimes.
Friday, February 22, 2013
Thursday, November 17, 2011
"A good picture is all about knowing where to stand." ~ Ansel Adams
A quick synopsis of the past month or so:
- I dropped Anatomy. It was too difficult and too much all at once. I should’ve been able to handle it, but I couldn’t.
- I still can’t bring my math grade up, even though it’s a remedial class. I feel retarded and embarrased, but I honestly can’t learn it. I spend an average of 5.5 hours doing one (ONE!!!!) assignment. And I still can’t solve a couple of problems. My brain just can’t process and learn some things..math being one of them.
- I was officially diagnosed with ADHD and prescribed medication, which might explain my lack of information processing capabilities.
- I went home for the weekend and realized I don’t belong there anymore. I don’t belong in my old highschool, my old church, or my old work. Times changed and people moved on. Im suppposed to move on too, but that’s easier said than done. I suppose it would be easier if I felt like I belonged here at PUC.
- I got some weird food poisoning thing last weekend that had me up from midnight till 9am, puking my brains out with a 104.2 fever.
- STILL crying myself to sleep at night. I’ve never felt so alone.
I miss my old friends, my old routine, and how God fit perfectly into that routine. I have no idea what to do with my new routine. It involves me going from class to class being by myself, or worse, being surrounded by swarms of people I do not know.
- One of my oldest and closest friends is deciding to push me away. He’s hurting me and doesn’t care.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
What a month this has been! I’ve never known such highs and lows.
I’ve never been this exhausted and this challeneged.
College is testing me. (and I don’t mean like “anatomy exams” or “history tests”)
I mean it’s pushing me to see how far I bend before I break.
It feels a little weird to refer to college like it’s a person who’s out to get me, but it seriously feels like it sometimes. Like this whole thing was set up for me to fail, and the odds are stacked against me.
Ever since March 18 2010, I knew without a shadow of a doubt that nursing was what I was born to do, that PUC is where I belong, and that this was all God’s plan for my life.
Now I am not so sure..
How can I make a good nurse if I failed out of Anatomy? I had to retake high school Chemistry…So how well am I going to do in Micro Biology?? I’m in remedial Algebra because my Highschool Algebra II grade doesn’t meet the requirements to apply to the Loma Lina Nursing Program.
Nurses are smart! They don’t retake classes and they get good grades when they try.
I’m trying my hardest, and not going anywhere. I don’t want to just barely pass, and I don’t want to “meet requirements”. I want my grades to be competitive!
It seems all I am capable of these days is doubt.
I’m doubting myself and my capabilities.
And I’m doubting God and his direction.
How naive was I to think that this would all be a breeze, just because it was what God wanted me to do.
I guess the right thing and the easy thing aren’t always the same.
It doesn’t change what I have to do though.
Just because this is a struggle doesn’t mean I can’t finish it.
And I can still be a good nurse, even if I have to re-take a few classes.
My very wise roommate said, “Thirty years from now when you’ve got a family and you’re working as a nurse, you’re not going to care if you got an A+ or B- in Anatomy. You’re not going to be thinking about if it took you an extra quarter to graduate and you’re definitely not going to be worrying about that one english paper you totally bombed. Sure, the goal of college is to learn, but individual college classes are the small picture…The big picture goal is to be good at what you want to do. Pretty much, don’t sweat the small stuff and remember you don’t need to know EVERYTHING to be the best anything.”
Perspective! The key to happiness. :)
- I dropped Anatomy. It was too difficult and too much all at once. I should’ve been able to handle it, but I couldn’t.
- I still can’t bring my math grade up, even though it’s a remedial class. I feel retarded and embarrased, but I honestly can’t learn it. I spend an average of 5.5 hours doing one (ONE!!!!) assignment. And I still can’t solve a couple of problems. My brain just can’t process and learn some things..math being one of them.
- I was officially diagnosed with ADHD and prescribed medication, which might explain my lack of information processing capabilities.
- I went home for the weekend and realized I don’t belong there anymore. I don’t belong in my old highschool, my old church, or my old work. Times changed and people moved on. Im suppposed to move on too, but that’s easier said than done. I suppose it would be easier if I felt like I belonged here at PUC.
- I got some weird food poisoning thing last weekend that had me up from midnight till 9am, puking my brains out with a 104.2 fever.
- STILL crying myself to sleep at night. I’ve never felt so alone.
I miss my old friends, my old routine, and how God fit perfectly into that routine. I have no idea what to do with my new routine. It involves me going from class to class being by myself, or worse, being surrounded by swarms of people I do not know.
- One of my oldest and closest friends is deciding to push me away. He’s hurting me and doesn’t care.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
What a month this has been! I’ve never known such highs and lows.
I’ve never been this exhausted and this challeneged.
College is testing me. (and I don’t mean like “anatomy exams” or “history tests”)
I mean it’s pushing me to see how far I bend before I break.
It feels a little weird to refer to college like it’s a person who’s out to get me, but it seriously feels like it sometimes. Like this whole thing was set up for me to fail, and the odds are stacked against me.
Ever since March 18 2010, I knew without a shadow of a doubt that nursing was what I was born to do, that PUC is where I belong, and that this was all God’s plan for my life.
Now I am not so sure..
How can I make a good nurse if I failed out of Anatomy? I had to retake high school Chemistry…So how well am I going to do in Micro Biology?? I’m in remedial Algebra because my Highschool Algebra II grade doesn’t meet the requirements to apply to the Loma Lina Nursing Program.
Nurses are smart! They don’t retake classes and they get good grades when they try.
I’m trying my hardest, and not going anywhere. I don’t want to just barely pass, and I don’t want to “meet requirements”. I want my grades to be competitive!
It seems all I am capable of these days is doubt.
I’m doubting myself and my capabilities.
And I’m doubting God and his direction.
How naive was I to think that this would all be a breeze, just because it was what God wanted me to do.
I guess the right thing and the easy thing aren’t always the same.
It doesn’t change what I have to do though.
Just because this is a struggle doesn’t mean I can’t finish it.
And I can still be a good nurse, even if I have to re-take a few classes.
My very wise roommate said, “Thirty years from now when you’ve got a family and you’re working as a nurse, you’re not going to care if you got an A+ or B- in Anatomy. You’re not going to be thinking about if it took you an extra quarter to graduate and you’re definitely not going to be worrying about that one english paper you totally bombed. Sure, the goal of college is to learn, but individual college classes are the small picture…The big picture goal is to be good at what you want to do. Pretty much, don’t sweat the small stuff and remember you don’t need to know EVERYTHING to be the best anything.”
Perspective! The key to happiness. :)
A quick synopsis of the past month or so (from a different perspective)
· I dropped Anatomy..Big deal! I’ll take it again next quarter and I’ll be better prepared for it. In the meantime, I’ll get some of my other generals out of the way.
· I’m terrible at math..Oh well! I’ve made a bunch of Asian friends who don’t mind helping me out. :) Maybe it’s time to put my pride aside and ask the TLC for help..I just hate asking for help because I don’t want anybody to know how bad I am at math. :P I suppose I’d rather learn it and be embarrased for a little bit, than pretend like I know it and be embarrased all the time!
· I’ve been diagnosed with ADHD. Whatevs. Einstein had ADD and he turned out okay..
· I miss my old routine, but it’ll be alright. Maybe instead of finding a way to fit God in to my new routine, I’ll make my new routine fit around God. So I’ve started waking up a little bit earlier so I can go for a quick run and spend time reading my bible. I’ve noticed that starting my day on a good note makes the rest of my day better.
· My best friend isn’t acting like a best friend should. Maybe he’s having a tough time too and can’t express it, so I’ll cut him some slack. I wish he cared about how hard this is for me, but he must need help more than I do. This would be another time for me to set aside my pride and apologize (even though it’s not my fault!) ask for forgiveness (even though he’s the one who hurt me) and be there for him (even though I need him to be here for me).
So life is tough sometimes.
We just have to be tougher!
Pastor Laffit said that Satan likes to target the leaders. Why would he have to worry about someone who comes to church only to warm the seat? The Christians that have a fire in their hearts for God are the one’s he will (try) to tear down. Pastor Laffit also said not to be worried if it feels like everything is going wrong..It means you’re doing something that Satan doesn’t like. But when your life is smooth sailing, you should be wondering if you’ve moved down on Satan’s priority list. And everytime we let the devil get to us and tear us down, God is right there with us to put us back together.
If things look scary and you want to give up, try looking at it with a new perspective. Remember the big picture, don’t sweat the small stuff, and don’t become spiritually complacent.
2 Corinthians 4:8-12, 16-18
We are pressed on every side by troubles, but we are not crushed.
We are perplexed, but not driven to despair.
We are hunted down, but never abandoned by God.
We get knocked down, but we are not destroyed.
Through suffering, our bodies continue to share in teh death of Jesus so that the life of Jesus may also be seen in our bodies.
Yes, we live under constant danger of death because we serve Jesus, so that the life of Jesus will be evident in our dying bodies.
So we live in the face of death, but this has resulted in eternal life for you.
That is why we never give up. Though our bodies are dying, our spirits are being renewed every day.
For our present troubles are small and won’t last long.
Yet they produce for us a glory that vastly outweighs them and will last forever!
So we fix our gaze on things that cannot be seen.
For the things we see now will soon be gone, but the things we cannot see will last forever.
Pastor Laffit said that Satan likes to target the leaders. Why would he have to worry about someone who comes to church only to warm the seat? The Christians that have a fire in their hearts for God are the one’s he will (try) to tear down. Pastor Laffit also said not to be worried if it feels like everything is going wrong..It means you’re doing something that Satan doesn’t like. But when your life is smooth sailing, you should be wondering if you’ve moved down on Satan’s priority list. And everytime we let the devil get to us and tear us down, God is right there with us to put us back together.
If things look scary and you want to give up, try looking at it with a new perspective. Remember the big picture, don’t sweat the small stuff, and don’t become spiritually complacent.
2 Corinthians 4:8-12, 16-18
We are pressed on every side by troubles, but we are not crushed.
We are perplexed, but not driven to despair.
We are hunted down, but never abandoned by God.
We get knocked down, but we are not destroyed.
Through suffering, our bodies continue to share in teh death of Jesus so that the life of Jesus may also be seen in our bodies.
Yes, we live under constant danger of death because we serve Jesus, so that the life of Jesus will be evident in our dying bodies.
So we live in the face of death, but this has resulted in eternal life for you.
That is why we never give up. Though our bodies are dying, our spirits are being renewed every day.
For our present troubles are small and won’t last long.
Yet they produce for us a glory that vastly outweighs them and will last forever!
So we fix our gaze on things that cannot be seen.
For the things we see now will soon be gone, but the things we cannot see will last forever.
Friday, October 14, 2011
The Anatomy of Faith
The further we go in Anatomy class, the more I am amazed at God’s creativity and ingenuity. The body is extremely complex and at the same time, perfectly organized. Every part of the body works together so that we can go about our day. This class has brought a new meaning and perspective to 1 Corinthians 12
14 Yes, the body has many different parts, not just one part. 15 If the foot says, “I am not a part of the body because I am not a hand,” that does not make it any less a part of the body. 16 And if the ear says, “I am not part of the body because I am not an eye,” would that make it any less a part of the body? 17 If the whole body were an eye, how would you hear? Or if your whole body were an ear, how would you smell anything?
18 But our bodies have many parts, and God has put each part just where he wants it. 19How strange a body would be if it had only one part! 20 Yes, there are many parts, but only one body. 21 The eye can never say to the hand, “I don’t need you.” The head can’t say to the feet, “I don’t need you.”
25 This makes for harmony among the members, so that all the members care for each other. 26 If one part suffers, all the parts suffer with it, and if one part is honored, all the parts are glad.
Thursday, October 13, 2011
College...the new "Dude's"
College sucks.
Work at Dude’s Drive-In used to suck..
This blog is what got me through the toughest days at work.
This blog gave me a reason to hang in there, and stick it out.
Looking back, I know I would’ve given up and quit without this blog.
If I would’ve quit, I wouldn’t have made the amazing friends that I did.
God used me at Dude’s and he taught me so much in one summers time.
because of this blog, I was able to see God in the mundane, the ordinary, the chores, and in the little things.
Work at Dude’s Drive-In used to suck..
This blog is what got me through the toughest days at work.
This blog gave me a reason to hang in there, and stick it out.
Looking back, I know I would’ve given up and quit without this blog.
If I would’ve quit, I wouldn’t have made the amazing friends that I did.
God used me at Dude’s and he taught me so much in one summers time.
because of this blog, I was able to see God in the mundane, the ordinary, the chores, and in the little things.
If the blog got me through Dude’s, It can get me through college.
It’s not like anybody reads it anyways. Which is a good thing! I’ve always been subconscious of my writing.
I’ll just be documenting what God teaches me, and mapping his movement in my life.
I got in over my head and I lost sight of the big picture.
It’s time for me to re-focus my energy in to bringing glory to God instead of worrying about friends, school work, and staying on “the plan”.
It’s time I set my priorities strait, putting God at the top and letting the rest fall where they may.
It’s time I spread the love and passion that God put in my heart.
It’s time for me to CHANGE.
It’s time for me to BRING change to the campus.
The Sunday before I left for college, a guy at the Stirring prayed with me and told me that God wanted to to tell me:
“Shake things up. Break up the routine. Take out the old, and bring in the new. And when you start new, don’t lay the foundation with habits and patterns of the past. Shake things up.”
My theory:
College sucks, but God doesn’t.
If I make everyday about God, instead of college, then my days will be better.
Instead of surviving the day, I can make something significant happen.
Phil. 4:13 ~ I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.
It’s not like anybody reads it anyways. Which is a good thing! I’ve always been subconscious of my writing.
I’ll just be documenting what God teaches me, and mapping his movement in my life.
I got in over my head and I lost sight of the big picture.
It’s time for me to re-focus my energy in to bringing glory to God instead of worrying about friends, school work, and staying on “the plan”.
It’s time I set my priorities strait, putting God at the top and letting the rest fall where they may.
It’s time I spread the love and passion that God put in my heart.
It’s time for me to CHANGE.
It’s time for me to BRING change to the campus.
The Sunday before I left for college, a guy at the Stirring prayed with me and told me that God wanted to to tell me:
“Shake things up. Break up the routine. Take out the old, and bring in the new. And when you start new, don’t lay the foundation with habits and patterns of the past. Shake things up.”
My theory:
College sucks, but God doesn’t.
If I make everyday about God, instead of college, then my days will be better.
Instead of surviving the day, I can make something significant happen.
Phil. 4:13 ~ I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
My first brain cloud
This is what I call a ‘Brain Cloud’.
It’s just a cluster of words that are on my mind.
This was my first one, and I made it in the spring of 2008.
I'm going to make and post another one tonight, so I can compare
my 2008 brain with my 2011 brain.
I'm going to make and post another one tonight, so I can compare
my 2008 brain with my 2011 brain.
Sunday, August 14, 2011
Claire 3:16
A couple weeks into working at Dude's Drive Thru, I started reciting memory verses under my breath whenever someone tipped me, just for fun :) I was working the drive thru side today, when a lady drove up. . .
Me: Hi! How's your day going so far?
Her: Oh you know, just one of those days! My to-do-list is growing by the second, it seems like! Haha! I thought I might as well treat myself to some junk food before I get on with the day.
Me: Ahh i'm sorry to hear that. Well, we make our burgers with love, so I hope that helps! haha.
(Then I rang her up, and she paid for her food with a 20)
Me: Alrighty, here's your change.
Her: Ohh you keep it dearie.
Me: oh! thank you!!
I pulled my head back inside and said John 3:16 the way I always say it.."For God so loved CLAIRE that he gave his one and only son, that whoever believes in him will not perish but have everlasting life."
This verse doesn't mean very much to me when I read it as 'For God so loved the WORLD'. It doesn't make me feel special, so when I read it, I put my name in to make it more personal.
The lady heard me say my verse, and when I looked over to close the drive thru window so I could walk away and make her drinks, I saw tears rolling down her face! So I stuck my head out side of the window and asked what was wrong.
Her: That was so beautiful! I've heard that verse about a million times in my life, but I never thought about what it means for me. 'For God so loved CHERYL that he gave his one and only son'...
Her voice cracked and she cried a little harder. I was really shocked that all of this was happening just because I had recited a memory verse that I'd known for years! But she said they were happy tears, she got her food, thanked me then went on her way.
my interpretation: God loves YOU so much that he bought you with the blood of his only son. And if you are thankful for that, then you will not die, but live forever with the one who freed you from the bondage of your sins.
Sunday, August 7, 2011
My body rests in hope
Acts 2:25
“I see that the Lord is always with me.
I will not be shaken for he is right beside me.
No wonder my heart is glad and my tongue shows his praises!
My body rests in hope.
For you will not leave my soul among the dead or allow your Holy One to rot in the grave.
You have shown me the way of life, and you will fill me with the joy of your presence.”
I will not be shaken for he is right beside me.
No wonder my heart is glad and my tongue shows his praises!
My body rests in hope.
For you will not leave my soul among the dead or allow your Holy One to rot in the grave.
You have shown me the way of life, and you will fill me with the joy of your presence.”
God is great!
And that’s all I have to say.
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